Gaslighting

 You are probably asking yourself, what exactly is “Gaslighting”?  The word “Gaslighting” come from a 1938 stage play called Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights in their home.  When his wife points this out to him, he denies they have been dimmed.  When looking for the best definition for gaslighting, Urban Dictionary Website saying it is, “A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse, where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their Sanity.”  

Have you even had someone lie to you about something and when you finally noticed the lie and confront them the person changes their story to be more of a lie or they try to tell you “oh no, you misunderstood me”, “no, you are mistaken” or even that “you must be imagining things, I never said that”?  Urban Dictionary went further to say, “A more psychological definition of gaslighting is ‘an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the victim – having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception’.”  So, if gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse in which the abuser denies the victim’s reality, why would someone allow this to happen to them?  Well, the truth is, there are many reasons.

Back in the old days you would hear stories of cults that would take people and brain wash them into believing in their ways and forgetting their past, like it never existed or was all wrong.  If a family member was able to get their loved ones back, they would then have to “reprogram” those to see the truth of this.  Or you may have heard of men and women sent to “camps” to no longer think they are “gay”.  Now this is the extreme of Gaslighting.  This can go even as far as to say Government officials who try to make you believe something when you know the truth about what it really is.  This is because “Gaslighting refers to the phenomenon in which someone insists so strenuously on a false version of events that those listening start doubting the reality right in front of their eyes” as stated by David Domke and Christopher Sebastian Park on February 27, 2017 from the Department of Political Science at the University of Washington. They continued to state that a way for the government to gaslight the public is to tell others that what they hear is “fake news” or they will tell false details of an event then later state you “misunderstood my words” or “what I meant was” to try to make you still think they are right and you are wrong.     

However, studies have shown and proven, that gaslighting can happen to and by anyone.  Meaning gaslighting can come from loved ones as much as strangers.  You see, you do not hear is of the loving next-door family who constantly drills into their families head they are worthless or a failure.  All you see it a great loving family on the exterior.  But all that negative interjection, going on behind those doors, takes its toll on a person.  And the worst part is it can start at a very early age, as young as a newborn.   People do not realize the impact of negative words because they think well if I just tell them praise every now and again that will make it all better.  But usually, it does not.  Children, even adults, can have lasting effects of this for years.  If they do not see the reality of it and or do not help from friends, family, or a professional, then that negative effect will affect them their whole life.  They will suffer from depression, low self-esteem, and poor relationships to name a few of the side effects. Gaslighting can come from parents, siblings, a teacher, a coach, co-workers, a boss or even a stranger you meet on a regular basis.  Now do not get me wrong, not everyone it the world is out to do you harm.

Even years later, if you question the person doing the gaslighting you may get a response of “I never said that.  You’re making things up again.” Or maybe “are you sure?  You tend to have a bad memory.”  They may even tell you “it’s all in your head.”  Yet you can recall details of what happened, can even recall where, when, what, and how something happened.  Per the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, “Gaslighting is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instinct, and sanity, which then gives the abusive partner a lot of power” They go on to say that “once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perception, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.”  With knowledge is empowerment but unless we act upon what we learn or learn more, then we do not have the power to change things.  And by not making changes then what happens is we stay in this vicious cycle.  We keep repeating the same things, going into one abuse relationship after another, never realizing why we keep failing, asking ourselves what we are doing wrong.  I come from a background of being gaslighted.  My perception was a total mess and my relationships never worked out no matter how hard I wanted them too.  I sought help from a non-biased group, and it was the best thing I could have done.  With the knowledge I found, I made the choice to break that cycle, that forever looping of failure, of unworthiness, of feeling like I was nothing and always questioning my own memories.  

Another question people might ask is how can you not realize you are being “gaslighted”?  Truly, because normally you trust the person that is causing this form of abuse to some extent and could do not believe they would ever do this to you.  Per the Nation Domestic Violence Hotline “there are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive [person] partner might use.”  The things they do might be done over time and subtle so that you do not even realize it is happening.  There might be some doubt in the back of your mind, but the person being abused usually always feels like they are the one in the wrong or that it must be their memory that is wrong.  That no one who says they love you could be doing this to them.  The National Domestic Violence Hot line goes on to says, “that in order to overcome this type of abuse, it is important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again”.  Ariel Leve wrote a web-based article for The Guardian called “How to Survive Gaslighting: When Manipulation Erases Your Reality” that focused on a partner/spouse.  But again, gaslighting can come from anyone, not just a partner or spouses.  So, how do you know?
According to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, PH.D., who is the associate director at Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect, says the signs that you might be a victim of gaslighting include (but not limited to) the following:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy.
• You are always apologizing.
• You can’t understand why, with so many apparent good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are “good enough” for that person.

Finding out that what I was going though was because of gaslighting, from my parents through past relationships, I had to sever all ties with those before I could focus on myself.  If I had not, then I would never have found that help and I would have still been in that eternal loop.  But it was not easy, especially with my last relationship.  When we ended, I was devastated and in denial.  I blamed myself for all the things what went wrong in my relationship because I was told it was.  At this point I just wanted to kill myself.  To not have to bring the pain to others as it was brought to me.  I had no one to go to that I trusted for help.  It was while I was institutionalized for four days that I was told about gaslighting and a bit about what it was.  When I was released, I looked it up more and I was shocked at what I had discovered.  What I had, whether it be with my parents or past relationships, was a classic case of gaslighting.  Per Dr. Stern “when people are abused there are signs that you can point to that are much more obvious. Someone who has been hit for instance – it’s easy to understand how they can have been hurt.  But when someone is manipulating you, you end of second-guessing yourself and turning your attention to yourself as the person to blame.”
See, what most do not realize is that children will have a harder time see things for what they are.  It is because as children we tend to believe what we are taught.  However, the more we grow and become adults, we start to see things in a different light.  We get a sense of what is right and what is wrong.  For some we know in our “gut” that something is just not right.  However, if you have been gaslighted as a child, you may not know the difference, and this is how later in life it continues to happen.  Instead of talking to the person with someone, instead of questioning as things happened and standing one’s ground, we just let it happen.  Dr. Stern notes that “gaslighting over time leads to somebody experiencing the gaslight effect.  Someone can try to gaslight you, but it can’t happen unless you allow it.”   So why did I allow this to happen?  Because I was still seeking someone to love me.  Someone who would take care of me as my parents should have. When someone isolates you from those of your life that you can trust, you become dependent on the person gaslighting.  When that person is a person of power you want to trust them, believe in them, but sometimes you just can’t ignore that things are not adding up as real solely on the words of the person.  Their own actions are not the same as their words.
Per the website Good Therapy, some of the techniques use by those that are gaslighting and how do they work can include:

• Withholding:  Refusing to listen to any concerns or pretending to not understand them.
• Countering: Questioning the victim’s memory.  An abuser may deny the events occurred in the way the victim (accurately) remembers.  They may also invent details of the events that did not occur. 
• Forgetting/Denial: Pretending to forget events that have happened to further discredit the victim’s memory.  An abuser may deny making promises to avoid responsibility. 
• Blocking/Diversion: Changing the subject to divert the victim’s attention from a topic.  An abuser may twist a conversation into an argument about a person’s credibility. 
• Trivializing: Asserting that a person is overreacting to hurtful behavior.  This technique can be considered conditioning a person into believing their emotions are invalid or excessive.

Per an article by Stephanie Sarkis, who published an article for Psychology Today, there are other signs as well:   

• They tell blatant lies.
• They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
• They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
• They wear you down over time.
• Their actions to not match their words.
• They know confusion weakens people.
• They project their own doings on you.
• The try to align people against you.
• They try to tell others you are crazy, a liar, or just do not understand/misunderstood.

With the term gaslighting a lot of time you may here people refer to the person who gaslights as a narcissist.  Well a narcissist is someone who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.  It is because of this excessive interest that they feel it must be their way of doing things and anyone who goes against them, or deviates from that plan, are wrong.  So, they make it so it is not deviated.  The Good Men Project had an article that spoke of what the narcissist’s role is in gaslighting saying “It is the narcissist’s masterful manipulation technique to gain control over you. As your relationship begins to weaken, he carefully causes you slight anxiety or confusion.”
For the narcissist there is even more cause for control, per the Good Men Project.  A few of those are:

• You become addicted to his grandiosity. Which basically measn “because you likely had low self-esteem before you met him, the joy you feel can only occur when you are with him, thus making you dependent on him.
• You see red flags, but you can’t pinpoint the problem. 
• When you no longer have his attention, you actually experience withdrawal.
• You are ignored, then attended to, but then ignored again, so you lower the bar for yourself. 
• You second guess yourself and question your sanity.
• You feel guilty and are always apologizing.
• When you mention leaving/Divorce, he will retreat into victim mode. 

With so much against a victim of gaslighting you may ask why do they not seek help from loved ones or trusted friends?  In reading an article I found on Medium.com, it said that “gaslighting does not require deliberate plotting”, which for all intent and purposes means most people do not cause others intentional harm.  Good Men Project also said “The distinguishing feature between someone who gaslights and someone who doesn’t, is an internalized paradigm (pronounced pear·uh·daim) of ownership.  And in my experience, identifying that paradigm is a lot easier then spotting the gaslighting.”
When reviewing Psychologytoday.com, I found an article by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D., that listed five views on gaslighting that hit home.  In this article Dr. Hendriksen said that “gaslighters override your reality”.  If you are uncertain of things that are new, it is very easy to do.  But one thing is known, communication is a must.  If something does not feel right, you should question it.  You should trust your instincts if something feels off, not keep them bottled in and just accepting.  Dr. Hendriksen also said, “gaslighting means getting you, the target (victim), to invalidate yourself as well.  Not only does no one take you seriously, you wonder if you can take your own experiences seriously: your common sense, your feelings, your memory, even what you’ve seen before your very eyes”.   So, what does this mean?  Basically, it makes your question and trust your own experiences and knowledge so that you doubt yourself.

Recovering from gaslighting, even when given facts and proof that it is happening, is something everyone who has been gaslighted struggles with because they are often in denial, which often continues even after the truth is presented.  What most people do not realize is that is takes time for a person to accept the real truth for what it is.  Because their perception is so obscure the reality does not always soak in.  Per Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT who has an article posted in Psychology Today, she said “it can be quite confusing, because we may love the charmer, but hate the abuser.  This is especially true if all the bad behavior was out of sight, and the memories of the relationship were mostly positive”.
Is there help for victims of gaslighting and the ones who gaslight?  There is always help, but only if they can accept their part in the gaslighting.  Meaning, the victim must admit that they are being gaslighted and be willing to express things.  But the one who is doing the gaslighting also has to admit that they are doing this, willingly or not.  If they want their relationship to continue, the both must be willing to change.  If neither can do this, then their relationship will become toxic and will not survive and the parties involved would be better off going separate ways.  But as Ms. Lancer said, “even if they don’t leave, the relationship is forever changed.  In some cases, when both partners are motivated to stay and work together in conjoint therapy, the relationship can be strengthened and the past forgiven”.

On the website Lonerwolf.com, Aletheia Luna said “While it is true in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behavior, it is also important to listen to your instinct or intuition”.   So, when something happens and you get blamed for it, or told how you remember it not be true, ask yourself why?  Take the time to work things out in your head and talk about the facts and the how of things.  Per Ms. Luna, you should do a few things to help yourself:

• Clarify to yourself how, when and who is gaslighting you.
• Pay attention to the signs of being gaslighted.
• Decide whether it is worth continuing your friendship or relationship.
• Talk to trusted friends or loved ones.
• Shift your perspective to be a winner.

I found on the website Out Of The Fog some great Do’s and Do Not’s that I feel they are very accurate and forward because as they said “gaslighting can be a terrifying experience. It can quickly put you on the defensive - trying to justify your own actions or behaviors - when you started out by challenging someone else’s questionable behavior”.What NOT to do:

• Don’t equate intelligence with character - just because someone can run rings around you in an argument doesn’t mean they are right.
• Don’t waste your time trying to convince someone who has already made up their mind about you that they should reconsider.
• Don’t argue with a person who is fabricating the facts. Wait for them to return to reality before engaging them in a discussion and do it on YOUR terms - not theirs.
• Don’t allow yourself to be isolated from others against our own better judgment. Insist on your right to have your own friends and family.
• Don’t blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Don’t look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the OOTF 3 C's mantra says: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.” You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
• Don’t stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe.
• Don’t go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

What TO do:

• Remind yourself that you are not to blame for the other person’s behavior.
• Detach yourself from feeling responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving, or thinking.
• Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the Personality Disorder.
• Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
• If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self-harm to the police immediately every time.
• Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and then close the conversation.

Remember, this is something that is on the rise and we are learning more and more about it every day.  If you feel you are being gaslighted, or someone you care about or love is being gaslighted, seek professional help, talk to family and loved ones, talk with the person doing the gaslighting and use a natural mediator if need be.  But you do not have to live like this.  Not only it is unhealthy for you, but it also is a form of abuse.